Well, I’m starting to see what’s keeping me from blogging more frequently.
A) I’m a bit self conscious about sharing my stories, feelings, hatred… Yes, I’m an actor. But at my core I’m VERY shy.
B) Whenever I actually HAVE something to write, I can’t remember how the hell to log on to my website.
With regards to point A, I’m going to work on just getting over it and writing anyway. And as for point B, I’ve just bookmarked my login page, so that should help me in a month or so, when I decide to write something.
I’ve also discovered that I have a very difficult time tolerating when things are going well. Really difficult. Truth is, “good” = boring in my mind. Evidently. And so the minute things are going smoothly with no problems on the horizon, I feel the distinct need to make mischief and cause some real drama.
My acting coach suggested I “Compass” this and figure out what I need to do to tolerate the good. Sounds like a great idea…but I haven’t done it yet. Is there anything to that? Does it mean something or have I simply been too busy.
I mean, I have been busy. I finally assembled the dreamy, new color printer that has been sitting in my living room for the past month. It’s been lazing around like a friend who has worn out their welcome, (I don’t personally have any friends like that) so while everyone was gone, I put it together. The actual set up was pretty quick. I’d say it took less than 30 minutes. Now, the time it took to get all the goddamn dust underneath and behind the desk cleaned up… that was about an hour and a half of my life that I won’t get back. There’s still crap lying all around the room. I just have not been able to pick through all the paperwork and sort/organize everything. But that new printer is a DREAM!!!!
I’m wondering if my writing comes across as pesimistic. I really don’t see myself as a pessimist. I’m one of the more positive people I know. In person. I genuinely expect the best in my life. And I can tell you at the end of every day, I give thanks for this glorious life I have. Do I want more? Yep. But I know that it’s all in the works.
Which brings me back to what I was talking about before…tolerating the good. That’s what I don’t get. I expect the best for me, my family, etc. I’m READY to have what I want. And now, everything is unfurling perfectly in front of me and it kind of freaks me out? Does that make sense to anyone?
Maybe it doesn’t need to make sense. What if none of this matters and it’s all a game and we get to make up the rules? In which case, I don’t need to wreak havoc and create drama. Create. That’s another thing the aforementioned “acting coach goddess” suggested. I think she’s onto something.